Jokes
 
 

Good Luck Gorsky...

Who is Mr. Gorsky?

In case you didn't already know this little titbit of trivia.
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.
  
His first words after stepping on the moon, "that's one small step for man,
One giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.  
  
But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark - "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky".
  
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut.
 
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs .
  
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the - 'Good luck, Mr. Gorsky' statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.  
 
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question about Mr. Gorsky to Armstrong.
  
This time he finally responded because Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could now answer the question. Here is the answer to "who was Mr Gorsky":

In 1938, when he was a kid in a small mid-western town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.
 
His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbour’s yard by their bedroom window.
 
His neighbours were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard

Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Neil Armstrong’s family confirmed this is a true story.

 

Long Living

A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

The traffic light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
Priceless.

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft
mechanics in St.George.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar
with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get
abuzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of highoctane booze and
get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often.'

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth.'

THE TWELVE DAYS OF MUSTERING
On the first day of mustering, my true love said to me-
"with the kids home from school to help, he wouldn't need me!"

On the second day of mustering, the kids all laughed with glee-
"Because all the jobs around the house would now be up to me!'

On the third day of mustering my true love said to me-
"Could you whip into town to pick up a tonne of lick blocks and some more vaccine?
Then when you get back could you slip out on the bike and check the
waters,'cos we're too busy!'

On the fourth day of mustering my true love said to me-
'At about lunch time we're moving to the next paddock,
could you fill up the Toyota, hook up the horse float and bring it out .
Oh and don't forget to bring the tool box and spare tyre please!'

On the fifth day of mustering my true love called to me on the radio-
'We've got some calves that need a ride, can you bring out the truck to
the top paddock as fast as you can but make sure the oil and water are ok

On the sixth day of mustering my true love said to me-
'We've got some poddy calves that need feeding
Could you get some milk from town and duck down to the yards to
show the kids how to feed the calves please darling!'

On the seventh day of mustering my true love said to me-
The tank float has broken, could you dash into town and pick up anotheras fast as you can,
Oh and we need some more poly joiners as well,
but could you please bring the lunches to the yards before you go
and this time for goodness sake DON'T FORGET THE THERMOS OF TEA!
On the eighth day of mustering my true love said to me-
"could you slip into town and pick up the new jackaroo,
the Primac bloke phoned and is coming today so we can't keep im waiting,
don't stop to talk to anyone, just hurry hurry hurry!!!"

On the ninth day of mustering my true love radioed to me-
just got the truck stuck in the creek. Can you get the front end loader out the back of the shed,
find the chain and drive out here as fast as you can to pull us out please"

On the tenth day of mustering my true love snapped at me-
'While I stood by the truck handing tools up to him nervously!'
On the eleventh day of mustering my true love called to me
'It's stinking hot out here and all the dogs are nearly perishing,
could you fill up the containers of water and bring some for us too.
Oh and a packet of panadol for my splitting headache, please.

On the twelfth day of mustering my true love grinned at me-
'Aren't you glad you didn't help with the mustering this year honey!!"

Well I'll be..I reckon it would have been easier to have been mustering.............

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

'Thank you Mr.Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander.'

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!' The person says, 'I not Australian, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Australia!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says....'probably at work.'


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organised to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, Bathed the kids, And put them to bed. At 09 P.M . He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.

Have a go at saying this out loud -- better make sure you're on your own at the time.
In order to continue getting-by in Australia (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term
"TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in with the growing trend!!!
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

G: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: ".....What??"

RS: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... scrambled, please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS: "An toes July Sahn toes?"

G: "I... don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."

RS: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"

G: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?!?"

G: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder
on sigh and copy... rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjooberrymuds."

G: "You're welcome."

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,
Sheila
On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey,struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the NSW fan from the water and using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations." She knighted them and drove off.
As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows little about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The Pope & the Chauffeur
After getting Pope Benedict's entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.

The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the flaming Pope as a chauffeur!!"


Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London.
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, " Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a feckin' fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and.....”
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes,” says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

 

Cowboy Wedding

A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This here is a very special 'casion. Our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed."
The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal.” The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.”

 

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--------------------------------------------
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
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I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
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An elderly woman from Bexley decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Kmart
"Kmart ?" the priest exclaimed. "Why Kmart ?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

 

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,
He dialled the employees home phone number and was greeted with a Child's whisper. "Hello"
"Is your daddy home?" he asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?"
"No"
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No"
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
“Yes, whispered the boy, "a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman", came the answer.
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter, through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,"What are they searching for?."
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle "ME".


Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee four two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
Am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead .
Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


A well-presented woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
She took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" she asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," she said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and I tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." She said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

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